That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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