i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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