I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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