3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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