My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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