RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
