We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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