Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Less talking, more tequila
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
