there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
