Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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