Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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