Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
