nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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