I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
