The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
