it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
