i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
