This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize