I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My dick has a subreddit
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
