last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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