When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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