Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
