So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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