Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
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