Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
