is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
