the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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