I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Found the puke drawer
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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