I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
