I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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