im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
