well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
