I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
