if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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