Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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