I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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