I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
