god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
