Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
