I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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