I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
