Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
