My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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