are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
