we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
