I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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