you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
