I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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