Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
