Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
