They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
