I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
