he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
