I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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